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Shuchita Chawla View Drop Down
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    Posted: 28August2012 at 3:00am
Hi,
 
I have a question. What all is required for a healthy relationship (could be any husband-wife mother-son etc.)?
 
There are some issues these days between my mom and dad. They are married for last 38 years! Dad used to be a dominating member throughout the married life and mom a silent. For last few years, mom is loosing her patience and tolerance and this is creating day to day issue between them. As per dad, the family these days are not happy because every member have a separate point of view and hence they dont follow instructions provided by the head of family (which generally used to be the male in earlier days). I completely disagree with this fact and feel there should be flexibility in all the members to maintain a good relationship. Also, there should be space for each member to speak out their opinion and the best opinion should be considered. The communication channel should be crystal clear and each member should be treated equally. So, the behaviour should be for a daughter and wife.
 
Need your inputs on my dad's and my point of view.
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Jujhar View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jujhar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28August2012 at 4:03am
Dear Suchita Ji thanks for joining the Living Treasure forum....As far as your query is concerned...In my opinion, everyone has a right to express and give their opinion. But i think parents are our well wishers they always advise us for our betterment. e.g. if dad says to the girl dont go outside late nite, she argues y cant i go out if my brother can go....here the dad is concerned about the girls safety...guys r not so unsafe at nite than girls.
One thing is important if the kids want to put their opinion to their parents, it should be in a very gentle and kind manner and not harsh. We dont see things from our parents point of view. They have more experience of life than us.
Hope this helps u some ways Suchita ji...if not then kindly give specific example of the problem you are facing...

Others to pls contribute....


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Shuchita Chawla View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Shuchita Chawla Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28August2012 at 4:46am
Thanks for your quick response Jujhar ji. The issue is mainly between my mom and dad. So, as per him, the problem is due to the fact that my mom doesn't keep patience and listen blindly because of her high frustation level due to suppression of her feelings/ideas for last 38 years. In a husband wife relationship, is it healthy to listen to only one member (as my dad thinks) or both should have enough space, comfortable level to speak out their thoughts?
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suminder kaur View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote suminder kaur Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28August2012 at 5:09am
Dear suchita ji, welcome to the living treasure forum. 
Suchita ji, u know in India when a girl gets married her mother teaches her the ways she should tackle her new household and relations and the most common and important thing that she teaches is to be silent always ...in the sense of tolerating without retaliating to what is being told to her...about her or being forced on her because she is to be a perfect wife who does as her husband and in-laws want her to do ...in a nut shell...she's been given the precious thought of having Patience and High Tolerance. When a woman walks on this advice....she is being tolerant...she is listening patiently....she is pleasing everybody....thus making her home a heaven.

But, if seen from the other angle, even the men must think about this.....when a girl can leave her house and do everything for the man....she can atleast be given space to be able to put forth her view points...her botheration...her worries. If a woman is allowed this space by her husband to let him know how she feels when he hurts her feelings....how she feels when her children dont listen to her...how she feels when nobody has time to sit with her/ help her ...then certainly she will feel wanted...loved...heard of. But by just suppressing all her feelings..not expressing them... she would eventually get into depression.....
In a marriage, both the husband and wife should have maximum understanding by which they can give equal space to each other and at the same time be like the best of friends to share their fears...sorrows, thoughts and happiness.....
Suchita ji....ur mom needs ur constant love and support....the children can positively help her come out of the state that she is in now....love her even more and at the same time with respect talk to ur dad about her condition...explain things to him.
God Bless...!!!
"A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble."
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Jujhar View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jujhar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28August2012 at 6:57am
I agree with what suminder ji has advised, she needs constant love and care and a shoulder to cry and listen to her....ask ur dad to talk to her and ask her with love that wats bothering her and find the reasons for her frustrations. She has given her life to this family....if today she is in a depressive mode, its duty of all the other members to support her and not stand against her. You all can talk to her, now your father might say i hv talked to her but shes not ready to listen to me. In this case you kids can play a vital role, you guys can become a link between ur mom n dad. If this also doesnt work, you can tell us we can talk to her and let her drain out wats bothering her so much. May be some desires or affection is missing in her life which she expect from all of you. So try to do a collective action with lots of love and care to get ur mom back on track. And i m sure situation is not that bad, its just that you are not sure what is to be done. Pls correct me if i m wrong somewhere.

Regards
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satvinder View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote satvinder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28August2012 at 7:21am

Suchita ji  I appreciate your openness to share your family issue with us. Dealing with a dominating husband can be a very painful issue. I can very well understand  what ur moms going thru .Well suminder ji and jujhar ji have said it all and I too support their view that you need to talk to your dad about this, afterall Effective Communication is the key to all problems. Infact  two of the most important prerequisites for a healthy relationship  between anybody is Communication and Commitment..Well in your case though your parents have had a 38yr long relationship but it has been only one sided. You need to tackle this issue with a lot of love and patience as suminder ji has mentioned. I would suggest you have a heart to heart talk with your dad preferably in your moms absence . Appreciate him on how his and moms joint effort have  helped  in keeping the family united, bringing you up in such a good manner, educating all of you, etc. very politely communicate to him how important he is to your mom and ofcourse to all the other members as well.. explain to him about your moms feelings and her urge to  be able to converse with him freely as a companion and to express her views and ideas on various family issues as well. How lovely it would be if the whole family could sit and have healthy discussions over the various matters taking into consideration everyone’s views and especially mom’s who has been suppressing her feelings and ideas over the years ….Whenever there is a consensus or a mutual decision is arrived at the relationship strengthens …family ties grow stronger and so does love and respect for all.

I m sure your dad will understand this and slowly begin to change his approach as he too would want to maintain harmony in his relationship.Mind you suchita ji this is not going to happen in a day. You need to have a lot of patience , love and commitment  and no element of Anger , Accusation or any hard feelings towards your dad to make it work.

I would advice your mom not to lose her cool otherwise all the effort that she has put into her marriage since the last 38 yrs will go in vain and I also wish her a lot of of peace and patience….it will surely pay off one day….. God Bless!!!

 

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Shuchita Chawla View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Shuchita Chawla Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28August2012 at 8:00am
Thanks all of you for your advise! I used this forum to make sure whether I am thinking in the right manner and if not then get the help from you all and help my parents to get bonded again.
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Jagjinder View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jagjinder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28August2012 at 1:51pm

Everyone on this forum gave excellent suggestions and comments. However, I would like to add that we also need to understand where your father is coming from. Dominance and control are not bad, rather how they are used and interpreted, makes our perception and shifts our paradigm.

For example, a democracy is for the people, by the people and of the people; but even a democracy has a leader who controls/leads/manages everything. What matter is how the leader perceives that position.

I have faced a similar experience in my known family, and the conclusion was not father's dominance, rather it was a lack of understanding each others point of views.
The mother was the usual quiet housewife and father was the bread-winner, with a little aggressive attitude. Both are wonderful human beings, but just a bit of aggression resulted in conflicts. The male is still the dominant figure in the household, but other family members share equal responsibilities, hence the mutual respect factor plays a big role.

To maintain harmony, there need not be a compromise necessary but a better solution need to be put forth, so that everyone enjoys being together.

I should stop my lecture and suggest that, as everyone has said, please discuss the matter with your father and mom separately, and then together if possible. Make sure the conversation is kept light.

I observed that respecting each other's views or lifestyle will help. This needs to be understood thoroughly in the minds of each family member, else conflicts arises.

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satvinder View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote satvinder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29August2012 at 1:45am
you are most welcome suchita ji....please keep us posted about your progress in this matter.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote satvinder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29August2012 at 1:50am
well said jaginder ji, a democratic approach is far more better than a dictatorship approach...
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suminder kaur View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote suminder kaur Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29August2012 at 5:44am
 Suchita ji....i'm really glad Smileto know that the suggestions given by the forum members have given you a direction... so that you can bring back the bliss and happiness in ur family ....

Keep us updated...

God Bless....


What we say does matter. THOUGHTS become THINGS. The words that we repeat to ourselves eventually become our beliefs about WHO we are. Let's strive to use only powerful, positive messages that encourage and uplift us.START TODAY using the power of positive words to attract GOOD things into your life.
"A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote suminder kaur Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29August2012 at 6:13am
Very good suggestions given by Satvinder ji and Jagjider Ji !!!
"A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jujhar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29August2012 at 6:23am
Good going guys....Hope this discussion gets a solution to Suchita ji....god bless u all...Thnx alot for your kind efforts. 
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Jujhar View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jujhar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04September2012 at 1:14am
We all r waiting for your reply Suchita ji???
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Khoji Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18September2012 at 10:59pm
Sometimes you have to face your past not to continue what you left off, but to simply make you realize how happy and satisfied you are in the present :)
Life is short, energy limited, with this limited energy we have to find the unlimited; with this short life we have to find the eternal. Don?t waste it with unimportant matters

Khoji

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote keerat2 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19September2012 at 7:11am
Very well said Khoji Ji Clap
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Khoji Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20September2012 at 1:28am
The best relationship is when someone accepts your past, supports you present and encourages you future.
Life is short, energy limited, with this limited energy we have to find the unlimited; with this short life we have to find the eternal. Don?t waste it with unimportant matters

Khoji

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Taranjeet Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28September2012 at 2:17pm
Weakness is a sign of weak thought! To say "I am weak "is the weakest thought !
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ur Frnd - Jaspreet Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01October2012 at 5:30am
hhmmm

Thought of the weak :)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Khoji Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08October2012 at 3:09pm
5 important tools for maintaining your happiest relationship


Here’s some of my favorite love research discoveries, so you can all enjoy your happiest relationships:

1. Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman’s main learned hypothesis: Respect and consistent daily affection are the two top essentials for successful relationships — and contempt is the number one destroyer.

2. Dr. Gottman discovered couples who remain married vs. divorced often experienced just as much conflict — but put in more “repair” — with a 5 to 1 ratio of nice to nasty moments. Or as Dr. Gottman himself said: “Satisfied couples maintained a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative moments in their relationship, whereas couples heading for divorce allowed that ratio to slip below…to often one-to-one.” Dr. Gottman’s prescription: If you’re having problems with your honey,add more honey! Give a hug. Cuddle. Compliment.

3. Psychoanalyst Dr. Jani emphasizes the importance of two people being able to appreciate ordinary everyday moments together — and recommends always starting your day asking: “Anything special going on today?” At the end of the day, always ask: “Hey, how did that special thing go?” All this might seem obvious, but we can forget to ask about daily minutia. And the more you remember to ask, according to Dr. Jani, the more your sex life will improve — because it will make your partner feel more connected with you! (Who knew? Simply asking:”How was your day, dear?” can lead to hot times in bed?!)

4. Research consistently shows money plays a far lesser role in divorce – usually ranking about fifth in the blame line-up – behind incompatibility, lack of emotional support, abuse and sexual problems. According to Olivia Mellan, author of “Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Relationships” even when couples fight about money, they’re often fighting about underlying problems. Mellan reminds: “Fights about money are usually more about what money represents: dependency, control, freedom, security, pleasure, self-worth.”

5. All psychologists agree: A couple is only as “strong” as their weakest moments — how they handle conflict!

There are THREE conflict strategies:

#ONE: avoidance (the worst);

#TWO: fighting (better than avoidance, but still not healthful or helpful);

#THREE. validation (the winning method – which means trying to see things from the other person’s view, and sharing all views with kindness, and the goal of finding a win-win compromise!)

TRANSLATION: When facing conflict, talk with your partner at the speed of life. Do not shut down. Do not attack. And ABSOLUTELY avoid that #1 love vaporizer: condescension!

Life is short, energy limited, with this limited energy we have to find the unlimited; with this short life we have to find the eternal. Don?t waste it with unimportant matters

Khoji

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